Self Care vs. Self Care Culture

At this point in my life I know myself pretty well. I understand my weaknesses and have a good view of where my growth is going. It's good enough at any rate that when one step in my growth draws to a close I'm not often at a loss for where things will go next or surprised about the things I struggle with.

Last night I found a block that I was not at all expecting to meet. Its jarring to be back in a place where I have no foothold to start from. I wasn't sure how to handle this situation but writing this article and talking about this issue seems to be the key, so get ready for the real talk folx.

I have always wanted meditation to be a part of my practice. Even before I called myself a witch, it was something I wanted to have as a part of my life. No matter what I try I have never been able to find a way to fold it into my daily life for any length of time or to start in a way that felt natural and healthy. Last night as I was getting ready for bed I considered trying to meditate again. I thought I'd start really small, just 5 minuets a day 3 days a week. The thought nearly triggered a low level panic attack.

Now, before I continue, I want to say that there is a big difference between self care and self care culture. Self-care, to me, is doing the necessary things to be as mentally and physically healthy as possible. Practicing true self-care, whatever that looks like for you, is not only valid but important. Self-care culture is a performative knock off of true self-care that the collective has poisoned with capitalism, envy, and misinformation.

I was, and am never, going to be able to meditate away my ADHD, depression, and anxiety. The problem is that at one point I really believed that I could. If I meditated every day, took a long, fancy bath once a week, drank half my body weight in water daily, took vitamins and other supplements, and did 100 other things then I had a chance of waking up one day and being cured. I thought that if I checked off all things on all the downloadable checklists that I saw that the actual physical makeup of my brain would suddenly change and as such my whole life would change.

I think the reason why meditation evokes such an intense emotional and physical reaction from me is because I started to meditate in the darkest time of my life. I had no peace and no safety in any area of my life at the time and I attempted to create something good for myself and I failed. Not only did I fail but I made it worse by continuing to push, trying to make a strategy that wasn't right for me work.

Now of course, part of the problem was me being terrified and desperate to fix myself. However, I had been exposed to the self-care culture craze and just about everyone I came in contact with on the internet said the same thing. These things that I was trying worked for so many other people and so they had to be right for me too. What I did was like getting a paper cut and trying to fix it by repeatedly smashing my finger with a hammer. It made no sense and only made the problem worse.

For me, in this case, the only way out is through. I'm going to have to just practice meditation in as safe and sensible an environment as I can create for myself. That said this whole problem could have all been avoided if someone had just said to me, 'try these things but they will never replace professional help'.

I think this is a real issue that we in any kind wellness community and as a society at large need to talk about more. Sometimes self care isn't fun or pretty or interesting. Sometimes self care is paying your bills because you need electricity and running water or staking dirty dishes in the kitchen sink just to get them geographically closer to the dishwasher. Sometimes it's brushing your teeth for the first time in three days or changing your clothes even though you can't be bothered to take a shower. It isn't always a hot yoga class or a deep meditation experience or a bath bomb. Sometimes taking care of yourself isn't Instagram-able and that's ok.

What are your thoughts on self care? Has self-care culture affected you?